so, jon and i are working on a zine. we’d been talking about it for a while, somewhere around my move out to los angeles. our initial deadline was july 1st, which we blew past quietly, while moving and new jobs took precedent. that was fine, we were both busy with our new lives, gathering potential material, whatever.
while in the midst of trying to wrap my head around my new life in los angeles, i managed to write a few pieces for the zine, mostly about my experiences here so far. all of them i end up hating. so i’ll open another document, to approach the story from a different angle, with a different voice that hopefully won’t sound tired and cliche like all the others i’ve tried.
but it doesn’t matter. i think maybe i am just incapable of producing anything i am proud of. i struggle to think up ideas these days, and then once i have one, i flounder and procrastinate and do anything i can to avoid actually writing. i get frustrated with my lack of commitment and then feel even worse about the whole thing.
i have re-written the “intro” to my side of the zine three or four times now. each time i start off strong, banging out a few sentences before i even really know where i’m going. and once i realize that, it’s trash. i know i won’t use it, and i attempt the whole process again, losing a bit of confidence in myself each time.
frankly, its just getting tiring. i am worried that none of this is supposed to happen. i’m never going to get anything published (or performed or read by anyone else but me) and all of my projects will sit half-finished (or not even started) forever.
i think i am doomed to stare at blank documents forever. this is my life.